Waiting

What am I waiting around this house for? Healing, so I’m waiting to feel better? Time to pass, so that I can know not to expect any further healing to happen in my body? If I’m just waiting for time to pass, why not get something done, get up off this couch, and make things happen?

Because apparently I’m only supposed to do what I feel I “can” do. What does that mean? There are many things we “can” do that perhaps we ought to consider not doing. A nurse asked me last week, “Can you dress yourself?” CAN I? Well sure, if I’m okay running the risk of breaking my neck, or if I have unlimited time so I can rest for thirty seconds roughly every .05 seconds or so.”

So I’m waiting for exactly what again? Until I think I “can” go back to work? Can I? Well sure I can, only my stroll to the office will now take about five times longer and by the time I get there, if it’s not already lunch time, I’ll need to take a 1/2 hour to regroup and catch my breath. Can I write sermons? Sure, I’m writing this blog post. Can I stand and deliver on Sunday? No, but I can sit and deliver. So I’m waiting for what?  

For feeling to return in my feet? How long do I wait? When do I try to drive again? When do I, for the sake of moving on with my life, just consider it a closed question whether or not I will get better, and focus entirely on what I can do now? That sounds good. Except based on that standard, right now I can do very close to literally nothing. I mean, I can actually do a LOT of things, but what I cannot do is that great combination of things that, taken and strung together, is called normal life.

I do not know what I am waiting for. Since I do not know what I am waiting for, I think perhaps I may not know how to greet it when it arrives. Or let go of it when it fails to materialize. So I go back to the mundane and simply decide to wait for Tuesday. Tuesday I go back to PT. There are people there in white coats who have healing hearts and hands, and may have some of the answers I crave. At the least, as happened in the hospital, maybe their compassion will itself be healing. Maybe in addition to helping me re-learn how to put one foot in front of the other, they can also help me take another step into this huge canyon that, at the moment, seems to stretch out endlessly before me — a place called godknowswhat.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. A request for me to defend some of my comments does not obligate me to do so.

  • What an impact you’re having. I’m waiting too but my waiting seems so trivial. You give me the determination to wait at His Feet. God bless you, David.

  • Karen Eglinton

    I hope that you will return to teaching. I found that teaching effectively while seated is tougher, but I think that you will find ways to do so. It is an opportunity, and a challenge. 😀

  • Ruth

    In the waiting, you’ve done a lot more blogging, a lot more writing, which may or may not feel satisfying…I’m not sure. But clearly, you’re having an impact in your writing right now, maybe even more so than a sermon, or at least as much.
    The unknown is a very difficult place to live. All part of the journey.
    God is near. Praying for you as you are in the land of “godknowswhat”.

    • For sure, Ruth. A LOT more writing. I have seen massive effects from this and am really happy about that. I definitely agree that the impact of the writing probably exceeds the impact of any given sermon pretty substantially. Thanks for reminding me, seriously.

  • Crystal Davis

    Dave,
    We heard you were having a difficult time and we have been praying for you. I truly hope that you can get back to teaching because I walked away from your classes with the most knowledge in the entire program and I appreciate that so much. I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers.
    Best Wishes,
    Crystal

    • Thank you, Crystal. What a kind comment, and I’m so glad you took the time to stop by my blog and comment. I am scheduled to begin Developmental Psych in Flint in early March and so far I haven’t asked SAU to reassign the class to another instructor. I love teaching so much and I will not let go of it easily, and it’s largely because of amazing students like you who “get it,” and make me feel effective. 🙂 Thanks again so much.