Tooling around

Had lunch with my family this afternoon at Big Boy in Davison. Awesome. Then went to Walgreens. Then took the girls home and Christy took me to Anytime Fitness to check out the equipment and make sure they have what I need. Didn’t take my walker in, and almost couldn’t get back to the car. Note to self: Once your legs start to go, they go really fast. 

Spent some time at office today, and just finished writing the sermon for tomorrow. Busy, eventful day. Pushed too hard a few times but learned some limits.

Preaching Sunday

A word to readers of my blog who are not connected to the church I lead, Wildwind Church, and who do not know me personally. I have felt it necessary to use this blog a great deal lately to keep loved ones and interested readers all over the country informed about the status of my struggle with MS. I have tried to write some good posts from lessons I am learning and valleys I am walking through in the process. I will be using the blog this way indefinitely, and I hope all of my readers continue to find content that teaches, challenges, and inspires them.

From Wildwind Church Facebook page:

I will be preaching Sunday. I will have a message of some kind prepared for church and will be there to deliver it (assuming no huge ripples between now and then). Whether you attend Wildwind Church, have considered attending, or don’t attend, I look forward to seeing people I love there this week and for us to simply be together. I have counted on, and continue to count on, this community of encouragement. I will be there to encourage you, as I have tried to keep doing through my current ordeal, and I know your presence and love will be a deep encouragement to me as well. — dave

Waiting

What am I waiting around this house for? Healing, so I’m waiting to feel better? Time to pass, so that I can know not to expect any further healing to happen in my body? If I’m just waiting for time to pass, why not get something done, get up off this couch, and make things happen?

Because apparently I’m only supposed to do what I feel I “can” do. What does that mean? There are many things we “can” do that perhaps we ought to consider not doing. A nurse asked me last week, “Can you dress yourself?” CAN I? Well sure, if I’m okay running the risk of breaking my neck, or if I have unlimited time so I can rest for thirty seconds roughly every .05 seconds or so.”

So I’m waiting for exactly what again? Until I think I “can” go back to work? Can I? Well sure I can, only my stroll to the office will now take about five times longer and by the time I get there, if it’s not already lunch time, I’ll need to take a 1/2 hour to regroup and catch my breath. Can I write sermons? Sure, I’m writing this blog post. Can I stand and deliver on Sunday? No, but I can sit and deliver. So I’m waiting for what?  

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I Lost You

A song I wrote ten years ago to a lost love – my health, who was out of my life before I had a chance to appreciate her. I have always wanted to post this piece, but it has never seemed right until now.

I LOST YOU
I lost you,  before I knew your name
I lost you, on a day just like the others
You left the party before I knew you came

I lost you, without a right goodbye
You left me not a note, a wish, a reason
Just a dream, a chance, a fear that I might die

Empty hands that can’t be still without someone who will
Hold onto them and keep them from covering my eyes
Tell the truth but try to keep a little from me
I’ll need the luxury of a few wistful lies

Memories, a time of innocence
Photographs of a moment when I had you
No one to bring you back, no one to convince

Whether at last I need the cane or energy remains, only time will tell, love.
But your face fades every day and my memories of you lay strewn around the floor, love.

Hopes I’ll see you now and then, compliments of this syringe.

Home

Came home last evening. Extremely intense experience. Finally got to my place on the couch and was just overwhelmed with emotion. It took me a few minutes to finally say to Christy, “Here I am, back here, after all these days and all this work, and I feel exactly the same as when I left.” That is sobering to say the least. Then had an okay evening and jumped out of bed this morning at 6, (yes, jumped — in a frail, limpy, gimpy, not-really-jumping-but-kind-of-clawing way) made my own breakfast, got myself ready for the day, then went back to sleep for two hours. It’s truly second by second right now, with a lot of very low lows punctuated by small victories that I have to allow myself to celebrate even when they seem stupid.

Often I feel like an invalid – someone who is not valid. I keep having habitual flashes of my life two weeks ago and how far I have fallen. I can do nothing to stem this tide, but I must choose constantly not to dwell there. Wherever we are on the journey is okay at any given time, part of our experience of blessedness and suffering, but we don’t want to get too bogged down, lest we miss whatever is ahead for us along the way. Ever forward, whether into more difficulty, trial, ecstasy, etc. All is grace.